This is about no one but myself
I can understand a lot of things. I can understand if we weren’t the right match together. I can understand if there is someone out there who’s better for you than me. I can understand that there must be someone out there who’s better for me too. I can understand if it was the wrong time in your life or the wrong time in mine. I can understand. That’s why I don’t get upset. But right now I’m upset and I don’t understand. I can’t think of any way to put it other than “I don’t even care” or “fuck that” and I don’t like that. It wasn’t this girl, or that boy, or any one of you. It’s the string of rejection that trails behind me and only gets longer and harder to drag along. I never predict the way something will turn out, but now if I were to say “anyone who wants me is wasting their time,” I’d say the odds were in my favor. Or not in my favor, depending on how you look at it. It’s a variation of the same scenario. I’ve got it down to a science. We start off, they smile and tell me, “You’re perfect,” and I smile too. Time passes; a week, a month, a year. They grimace and tell me, “You’re perfect,” and I’m left on my own again. As much as someone thinks they want me, they don’t. So what am I supposed to do when someone thinks they want me and I already know they don’t?
I’m not hurt from being dumped, I’m not bitter from being cheated on. I’m not scared to be alone, I’m not sad about being unwanted. I’m scarred from the loss of my ability to understand or change. I physically can’t wrap my mind around what it means to be in a relationship. I can’t comprehend what a girlfriend should be. I don’t understand at all. How did I get so right and how do I learn to be wrong?
I don’t need a relationship. I don’t want a relationship. In fact, I fucking hate being in relationships. It’s not that, I swear. I’m not lonely, I’m not looking, I’m content. Just when I think about it, I get pissed. Why the fuck not me? What’s so wrong about me? Or rather, what’s so right?
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