August 17, 2011

Let’s not start from the beginning. Let’s start from the start. He says he knows where we can be alone. Parks right next to the lake. My move. I run barefoot into the lake. Laughing, watching him chase after me. The mid-summer sun is at its setting. I stand on his feet, the way a little girl would with her beloved father. I look up, and he kisses me. Just like that. I know immediately this would be the start. The start of something really, really good. Flash-forward. Already, I am alone. Sitting, my thoughts racing. I don’t want to be here anymore. Let’s flash back again. The morning sun is pouring through the carelessly opened blinds. My bare skin against that of another. I turn to him. It looks like a movie. The sun makes him glow. Everything around him is white; he is a vision. It feels as though he stares into my soul. But maybe it was just that he was looking through me instead. There was a strange kind of peace in his eyes, but not a kind I was sure I could trust. His smile was ever so slight. He looks genuine. He looks happy. This was the first night. I know immediately I have to make this last. File away the memory under “emotions so strongly emitted by a facial expression.” Flash-forward. I sit at the piano, weeping. Singing a song that strikes a chord in my soul. It makes me think of him. It makes me think of her. I am alone. I want to go back. Flashback. I swear he’s looking straight into my soul. He knows. He feels me. I feel the intensity of his stare and match it with my own. He can’t keep his hands off of me. Is this real? We lay, tangled in each other’s arms. The world around us, but we don’t notice. It’s only us. He and I. We. I know immediately there is a change in us. We are one. Flash-forward. I am surrounded by friends. I am gone. I am alone at this point, I already know. He is with her. He says he’s not going anywhere. I pretend to believe him. He gave me that sort of look of eternal reassurance you see maybe three or four times in a lifetime. He’s good with looks. Apropos of why I probably fell for him. I know immediately this will never be the same. The next day, I am hesitant. We are together. I know immediately we are not together. He is distant. As distant as he seems now, but he is in my arms. I know. I already know.

And just like that, he is gone.